Okay, so last month I named eight of the hottest male mascots in advertising, using very sophisticated scientific methods. For this round I'm going to focus on those sultry females. Let's get it on:
The Morton Salt Girl: While she may have seemed innocent walking in the rain and pouring salt onto the ground, the Morton Salt Girl is actually the most promiscuous of all mascots, having bedded everyone from Ronald McDonald to the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. She was also the first person to dump salt on the sidewalk during a rainstorm, which she claimed helped conjure up the demons who bestow her with a superhuman-like sexual prowess.
The Chicken of the Sea Mermaid: While not as slutty as the Morton Salt girl, this blonde tuna-lovin' mermaid has had more than her share of suitors. Unfortunately, her super mermaid strength and ignorance of how the human body functions has caused her to drown about two hundred men between 1950 and today.
Betty Crocker: Betty Crocker is not only the sexiest homemaker ever, but is the only mascot on this list with the power to morph into various people and objects. She has been an imaginary composite of several women, an actress named Adelaide Hawley, and a spoon. It's been rumored she'll often arbitrarily change shape while making love, just to freak people out.
Birdie the Early Bird: Birdie is the only female member of the McDonaldland gang, unless you count Grimace, who is actually a hermaphroditic, solidified lump of mashed potatoes with a skin condition. The story goes that Ronald McDonald has a thing for pigtails and inter-species relations, so he hired her in 1980. Unfortunately, she began shacking up with the Hamburglar soon after, much to Ronald's consternation.
Aunt Jemima: If you find empowerment sexy, Aunt Jemima is the lady for you. Coming from humble beginnings as a somewhat stereotypical caricature, she eventually shed her slave-like garb but maintained her fierce, unwavering passion for syrup and waffles. She has also spoken out against nude female mascot mud wrestling on numerous occasions, not because she finds it offensive, but because wrestling in pancake batter is far sexier.
Miss Chiquita Banana: There's not much known about this sexy mascot, except what she wrote about herself in her now out-of-print book titled, You Too Can Have A Phallic Body Shape And Still Get Men!
Josephine the Plumber: Bright, resourceful, and always ready to help you clean your kitchen and bathroom. These traits have made Josephine one of the most sought after mascots of all time. By the early 70s she was a permanent fixture on the New York club scene, often spotted snorting lines of Comet with Count Chocula at Studio 54.
Rosie the Waitress: While her sexiness is not to be denied, many who knew her claim she was very hard to seduce, as even the slightest amount of liquid on any surface would cause her to go into a catatonic trance and start mopping up the mess with Bounty paper towels. In an interview with the New York Times, Boo Berry was quoted as saying, "Sure, she was great in the sack, but don't try to get in her pants during a rainstorm."
1. "Unfortunately, her super mermaid strength and ignorance of how the human body functions has caused her to drown about two hundred men between 1950 and today."
I have to question the accuracy of this statement as everyone knows she is a lesbian. She has, in fact, been out for many year.
Posted at 11:33AM on May 12th 2006 by Constantine von Hoffman